ffox | + i think the problem is i will always be shouting into the void, hoping you see.

It has been over fifteen years since I spoke to you, but I still think about you and the key thing I wonder about is if you actually existed.

You were so caring and so available, but never in person and I was scared to question it. I think deep down I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t know what it was. And so I ran away. And I have felt guilty ever since.

All I wanted is the truth.

If you never existed that’s okay. You were a rock for me at the worst time in my life and I am always going to be grateful to you for that.

If I could say anything to you it would be thank you, I’m sorry, and I wish you nothing but peace and health and happiness in your life, and I hope you still surf, and I hope you’re still friends with Matty and I hope that you got over some of the traumas in your life and were able to heal.

The trouble is because I’m not sure you were real, what I also want to ask is why. Why did you enter my life and my heart and my head and make it so I will always think of you and wonder what was really going on.

I can go for months without thinking about you and then its like a punch in the gut. It was never about what you looked like. It was about how you understood things on a molecular level.

I can find traces online of your entire family. But not you. Never you.

Although how would I know if I am looking at you or not. Do I message your cousin and ask who I was speaking to every night for a year? How do I know if any of it was true, even for a moment?

With OpenDiary gone I can't even read your old entries. You are like a ghost.